Return of The Shit

Thursday, 19th of May 2005.

Today was the official release of Star Wars Episode III: Return of the Sith.

After a rather Bollywood like approach towards the last Star Wars episode, I was hoping on the possibility that George Lucas was going through a phase after a very, very hard bump on his head.

Five years ago Episode I: The Phantom Menace got me all excited in anticipation to the completion of one of the greatest trilogy I had ever watched. Of course most of us already knew what the ending of this trilogy was going to be, but like most I too needed an excuse to waste some money at the cinemas buying tickets, popcorn, soda, a fastfood dinner after and like most Star Wars fans worldwide, I was planning to do this several times for each episode. So at 8am on the first day that tickets were available I was in line along with about sixty other Star Wars fans. We cheered when the cinema manager turned the lights on, we cheered when the shutters came up and we cheered when the trailer played on the video wall. Three days later the same group and more were waiting for the shutters to allow us entry to the long anticipated prequel of an epic trilogy that most of us grew up with. Darth Vader sat on the same row as I and two storm troopers sat somewhere in the back along side a small band of light saber waving Jedies. It was good and I am glad to say that my friends and I came out of the cinema feeling very good. There were new characters, new kinds of transports that sounded like an old Fort Model T and most gratifying was the new more menacing villain - Darth Maul. Qui Gon Jin was killed by Darth Maul. Obiwan Kenobi avenged him. The Naboo queen was saved. The battle scenes were great. Anakin was annoying and is obviously recognised by all, including Senator Palpatine and Queen Amidala. We enjoyed the movie. It was simple and amazing and corny and coy. Yes, we enjoyed the movie along with the company of 300 plus Starwars fans. It was Good.

2003 came and so did EP2. The well overated and over anticipated sequel was here after a long 2 years wait. Star Wars fans came out of the woodwork again resulting in soaring sales figures for movie tickets, popcorn, soda and fastfood. The anticipation alone was gnawing at us like raveneous sewer rats as advertisiments and movie trailers flashed across the big screen. Then the lights went out and so did the chattering. This was the moment we were all waititng for. Anakin was now grow up and is falling in love with Padme who didn't look as interesting as she did as the queen. The young Jedi learns rage with the death of his mother. He feels constrained by his mentor and the Jedi council. The empire sees a war coming but cannot seem to figure out what is happening. A battle scene where Yoda gets to show that "size matters not" and a warrior he is. Anakin has an emotional rift every five minutes in the movie. So many more characters were introduced and much more villains. Lots of cool robots, fighters, transports and large large technologically driven buildings. It was chaotic. Everybody on screen and off screen were confused. Then there was the Bollywood scene short of coconut trees.

2005 came and I was not every excited anymore. I cannot and will not forgive Lucas for allowing Anakin and Padme to roll down the grassy knoll with Hindustan influenced music in the background. However, everybody deserves a second chance and so I watched the trailer for the final installation. It was promising. It was promising. I might just forgive him if he delivers... might.

So the day came. I bought my tickets, a bag of popcorn, a cup of soda and I ate at McDonalds while waiting for showtime. When the words "A long, long time ago in a galaxy far away..." appeared on the screen, I felt a rush of anticipation in my viens and I was excited. There were more fighters, and more transports and now even more battleships. Anakin is now married to his childhood love and is now more than ever in emotional turmoil. Cancellor Palpatine turns pruny upon unleashing his powers. Mace Windu dies. The Jedies are assasinated. Anakin is knighted Darth Vader by Darth Sidious and both Darth Dokku and Darth Grievious dies. Too many Darth moments pass as Anakin slaughters young cute light saber weilding padawans. He then turns against his master and Anakin looses his arms and legs. Yoda, Obiwan and Organa go into exile. Yoda now has the secret to immortality. This was probably the story's draft - Anakin is in love, he is frustrated, now he is pissed, now he is Vader, now he is on the drakside, he slays young padawans, he slays defenceless bad breath ugly politicians, he looses his limbs, he dawns the black costume and he is Darth Vader as we all know him. Now add lots of CG, cool costumes, blasters, fighters, battleships, et-cetera, et-cetera, et-cetera. Send it to Post.

This was even more chaotic than the last. In the end, it felt like Lucas had diarrhoea and was rushing off to the toilet. I loved it and hated it at the same time.

Too much technology. That was the problem.

Lucas had too much to choose from and too much more that he could do. You know what made the first trilogy such an epic? A simple storyline, a corny script and character focus. Yes, character focus. There were just too many new faces, new toys and new places. Lucas was linking everything and anything that could be linked to the point that they did not make sense. Here were some of the things that did not make sense to me when I linked both trilogies:

• Did anyone realise Ben Kenobi did not recognise both C3PO and R2D2 in Episode 4? How could he when both the droids were there with him as Anakin grew into a Jedi and when he turned sides?
• What happened to the rocket boosters, little laser gun and all the other cool gadgets that were installed into R2D2? R2 did not have any of these in later years.
• What happen to all that technology that everyone had? Coruscant was a monument. It would take the detruction of a civilisation for them to have lost it.
• Did the Death Star really take that long to be built?
• Why did Jedies in the past have a better fashion statement?

So many questions I have but as Yoda said, "Clear you mind of questions."

All in all I did enjoy the movie. Really I did. Just not as part of a movie epic that begun almost 30 years ago. This trilogy was great... on its own. I think it would have been the epic movie we all envisioned if he focused on a smaller number of characters and not make this his ultimate showcase of movie technology. We already know what he can do and has done with ILM. Lucas should have just sat down and told this story as how he did back in 1977 - a simple story about a boy, growing up and facing the challenges of the world around him.

- 'nuff said -